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a little about me....

Posted 02-24-2010 at 12:53 PM by timd3000

[ed - not sure of the citation but here it is]

A little about me...
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water,
I once single-handedly defended a small village in the amazon basin
from a horde of ferocious fire ants.

I play bluegrass cello, and the piano.
I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.

I enjoy urban hang gliding in north philly.
On wednesdays, (opposite day)
I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in origami,
chai tea drinking, and dance floor vertical bump and grind

years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I'm flakier than your mom's pie crust.
I have made extraordinary four course meals
using only a wok and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams and piranhas.
I have won bullfights in san juan, cliff-diving competitions in sri lanka,
and spellingbees at the kremlin.
I have played hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with elvis....Twice.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls, crushing ice
and saving the world via sorcery and such.
I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks,
making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

I translate ethnic slurs for cuban refugees,
I write award-winning operas,and I manage time efficiently.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes.

Last summer I toured New Jersey
with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed,
and I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in peru.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy..
But I can barely play the sport.
I once read paradise lost, moby , and the bible in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.
I have performed several covert operations for the cia.
I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in canada, I successfully negotiated with
a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I hate the word "no".
Especially when I believe with all of my heart
that the answer should be "yes".

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst,
a ferocious researcher, and a ruthless shopper.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line
of "we be clubbin" evening wear.

I don't perspire... Ever.
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